No strings attached....

While sitting having a festive beverage & finally putting my feet up after the mad rush that has been Christmas, I was watching some telly which gave me food for thought. Friends with benefits – conclusion = good film, bad idea that won’t work (well that’s my opinion anyway).

I mean as much as you both lay the rules on the table; it’s just sex, no strings or emotions, you have to inform the other person if you sleep with someone or meet someone else etc; let’s face it someone is ALWAYS gonna get hurt. As much as you tell yourself its only sex feelings have a nasty habit of creeping up on you when you least expect it & before you know it bam the big L O V E is involved!! Generally it’s the woman who falls for the guy & then is heart broken when the feelings are not mutual, he will give you the whole “we discussed this” speech which is great in theory but no one had the chat with your heart clearly….

From having known people who have been in this situation putting aside the heart ache the other down side is that it can wreck great friendships. One day you are telling one of your best friends your deepest darkest secret & sharing big fat belly laughs then the next there is awkwardness & silence – all because neither could be bothered to go out & meet someone or have another night of manual handling to satisfy an urge!

Obviously the film is a little predictable that they start off as two single friends who just want sex with no strings then fall in love (didn't see that coming, yea right). But when you watch it they could actually have some good selling points about this situation.

For example the first time they get passionate & start to get undressed ready for hot steamy sex, they actually tell each other what they dislike having done to them. She says to him that her nipples are very sensitive so are a no go zone, he prefers to go on top to help his male ego & so on. This way they can just get on with the job in hand, please each other then go home – jobs a good’en.

Now if this were a relationship this would be no good as exploring what the other person likes is half the fun but as they are just fuck buddies why not lay your cards on the table before laying on your back – after all your only there for one thing & idle chit chat or time wasting isn't one of them.

Having looked at the facts & weighed up the pro’s & con’s I’m sticking to my original theory that it is a bad idea. I mean come on with all the people in the world why would you make a deal like this with someone who is a friend. After all good friends are hard to find but good fucks can be ten a penny :o)

****Everything shown in the images can be purchased from my mate Ann (Summers of course) who is having a 75% off sale at the minute - you lucky buggers. So get on over & see her by clicking on the link at the top of the blog & grab a bargain**** 

Slap & tickle

This is no joke!!

While looking through the wonderful world that is Facebook the other day I stumble across a photo of some foot panties – I kid you not. Now before I continue I just want to add that I liked a page on shoes & they posted about these garments (if that’s what you can call them) just in case you were wondering what sort of freakish things I follow!

Now after initially saying “What the fuck are they?” I then realised the only use for these would be in the bedroom for someone who has a foot fetish. I mean they serve no purpose what so ever, in fact they don’t even look good….

Now fetishes are funny old things, some of which I will never understand. Like the whole foot thing, feet are ugly looking things & some (mainly men’s) stink. So quite why people want to put them in their mouth & suck on the toes is beyond me, how can that be a turn on? No one will ever go near my feet; otherwise they will end up kicked in the face due to the tickliness.

There are lots of other freaky things people are into, like men who pay women to do things like kick them in the balls or walk over their back in stiletto’s – how the hell you can say that is pleasure is mind boggling. What on earth possesses people to part with cold hard cash for this stuff & what sort of woman is it that gladly takes the money to fulfil these acts? Don’t get me wrong I have met some idiots in my time & would gladly kick them in the balls for free but what you would get out of doing it to a complete stranger is anyone’s guess. However could be easy money, if you have no conscience.

Then there is the good old golden shower, yep you guessed it, someone somewhere likes to be weed on. There is only one question for this – why?? Why oh why would you let someone urinate on you & how could someone find this a turn on?? (Ok so that was two) I mean who dreams up these things like this, maybe it all started by accident – a couple started getting sexy when one was bursting for the loo & didn’t make it in time….

Got to be better than Gaffa tape 

Loved the episode of Sex In The City where they covered this, Carrie was dating someone that was a politician who made hints & then one day just came right out & said “I want you to join me in the shower so I can piss on you”. Obviously she declined this generous offer which led to him dumping her, I think I would have told him to piss off!  

There are less painful & humiliating fetishes like being tied up or being spanked; hey most people like a little slap on the arse in the throws of passion. Obviously I don’t mean getting a cane & beating someone’s arse till its red raw (even though I am sure this goes on as well) but a gentle slap that leaves a light sting from your partner while he is talking dirty goes a long way.

The Bondage belt - every girl needs one :o)

You can get some great accessories to aid in your slap & tickle, from hand cuffs & whips right though to different coloured S&M tape. You can also get some great outfits for those nights that you want to take charge & show him who is boss. So have a click on the link to see my mate Ann (Summers of course) & see what tickles your fanny, I mean fancy :o)

Three's a crowd

I watched Lorraine Kelly interview a man this morning on his job, I couldn’t tell you what his title was (missed that bit sorry) but his role was to observe couples having sex & then advise them how to do it better. My first thought at seeing this was who made you the author of the Kamasutra? Besides the fact that this guy wasn’t in the slightest bit attractive (well not to me anyway) he just looked like your normal, average Joe Bloggs off the street.

When going into depth about his job he said while a couple is having sex he will watch them & let them know at the point he see’s something that they are doing wrong or could do better. Imagine that – you are just at the point of orgasm when you here “Excuse me sir, you need to thrust your cock a bit harder & faster”. On the flip side either person in the couple can ask him questions at any point (that’s nice of him). When asked don’t people get the giggles the reply was no, because if they are at the stage when they are asking for his help then they need him there. Questioned a little further as to whether anything he had seen had shocked him, he said yes but that fact that he is improving people’s sex lives makes whatever he sees worth it.

One of the many DVD's at Ann Summers 

She never actually asked him if he had ever been turned on by what he saw or if he had been invited to join in. Goodness knows what would happen if you went to ask him a question to see he had a massive hard on – awkward….

If my fella said to me he thinks that we should PAY (no fees were disclosed surprise surprise) for someone to watch us have sex & give us his advice on how to improve it (not that we need it of course) my answer would start in F & end in off!

I mean what kind of people actually pay for this? If you think your sex life is going stale or your partner isn’t doing it for you whack on a porn film, buy the lovers guide to sex & get some tips or visit Ann Summers & buy some accessories to spice things up. If that don’t work then film it yourself, watch it back & get out the flip chart to dissect your sex life & have a good old fashion chat about it – don’t pay Joe Bloggs the accountant look-a-like to tell you something you could have worked out yourself. After all sex ain’t rocket science people :o)

****All things shown in the images can be purchased from my mate Ann (Summers of course). She doesn't just do toys & clothes she has a wide range of accessories & DVD's as well. You can find her by clicking on the link at the top of the blog - happy days****

Everybody needs good neighbours

What annoys you most about your neighbours? Well a survey has found loud lovemaking to be the biggest pet peeves when it comes to the Jones' next door. Is there anything more annoying than this?

This is what featured both on the This Morning show & in The Sun newspaper last week, I mean come on really; who are these people they survey & where did they find them – in a convent?! I for one can think of hundreds of things that are more annoying about neighbours (their dog shitting in your garden is near the top of my list). So what if you hear your neighbours every now & then going hammer & tongs at it – I for one would salute them & may even high five them over the fence while hanging the washing out. People who moan about things like that are either prudes or they are jealous they are not getting any.

Bear in mind though just because someone screams loader between the sheets then they do at Alton Towers doesn’t mean they are enjoying it. Some people do it affect as they think that is what their partner wants to hear, I’m sure this must be a turn off. Everyone likes to hear that the other person is enjoying it but they don’t want to go deaf in the process.

On the reverse it must also be a turn off if someone just lays there silent & like a plank of wood, especially if the lights are out. I mean how would you know if they are enjoying it? Not sure if when you are in the throws of things how you can hold it in when you are about to orgasm, as even if you try to hold it in somehow a little moan manages to slip out.

So it’s best to remember that screaming can not only put your neighbours off their cocoa but is best left at the theme parks or to the porn stars :o)

****Add your own screams & moans to the bedroom with any of the products pictured in this post. Visit my mate Ann (Summers of course) who has these & a whole heap more to add a thrill to your ride - just click on the link at the top of the blog****

Cum on girls....

So I was having a girly wine night putting the world to rights with my friend (yes your right I said that in another post but I’m not an alcoholic – honest) when she shows me a photo on her phone of some fab Jimmy Choo’s. “These are what my mate has just got” she says, well me first though (after you bitch I want some) is how on earth did she afford those?! Turns out she let her boyfriend cum all over her face to get them – YES you read that right!!

Are you being serious was what came out of my mouth & was written all over my face. Apparently she asks her boyfriend what he wants to do to her & she says she will do it for something expensive, be it shoes, a bag, jewellery whatever she wants the most on her “wish” list.

You don’t do sexual favours to get gifts, surly that makes her a hooker right? I mean everyone has seen Pretty Woman & that is exactly what happens & how it works.

Just this & a pair of shoes = thank you 

I said doesn't this girl have a job to buy her own stuff? Apparently she does but she gets him to buy her all the stuff she can’t afford! Not sure about everyone else but my mum taught me that if you can’t afford it you can’t have it. Besides which what happened to romance….

Surly you should wait till your other half gets you a gift; be it birthday, xmas or just a gesture of love then show your appreciation by giving a thank you blow job. That way the gift means something as they bought it for you because they wanted to, it’s a surprise & they will be grateful for your appreciation. For example if its shoes, he will be in heaven when he sees you standing there in them with not much else on to say thanks.

I personally would never lower myself or sell myself out for a pair of shoes (even me, a true shoe lover with over 100 pairs). If my man wants to cum on my face then it’s something that will happen in the flows of passion & not planned out at the cost of an expensive item. So girls please don’t follow in the footsteps of others, have more dignity & do things because you want to please your partner & not for Jimmy (Choo) or Christian (Louboutin).

****As always all the products featured in this post can be found from my mate Ann (Summers) by clicking on the link at the top of the blog & just for you there is 10% off with code AFFXMAS from 29.11.12 till 03.12.12 enjoy :o)