If you go down to the woods today....

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They say you learn something new everyday, how true that is. I saw an advert a couple of weeks back for a program called "Dogging Tales" on channel 4 (nothing to do with Crufts), on the way to work I mentioned it to my mate. I said I was going to watch it for research purposes to see what all the fuss was about & to be in a position to write a blog post for my beloved fans of course. As far as I was aware you drove to a sight, had sex in your car & if people wanted to they could pull up in their car & watch  they could or have sex themselves (from the comfort of their own motor). To which she replied 'If you go to these places & keep your light on that means your available for people to come & have sex with you'. Er what, that's news to me I thought, not to mention how on earth did she know about this? Upon questioning (after the laughing stopped) she had no idea how she had stumbled across this information but that was the start of my fact finding on the subject.

The first I ever heard of this activity was when footballer Stan Collymore was in the paper for being caught & exposed as a Dogger. Apparently there is a big sight where this takes place in the West Midlands, near where he lives. According to the news he went around 15 times after reading about it on the internet - who the hell goes out & has sex with strangers in public cause they read something about it on their computer, especially when they have a wife at home!! He was outed by two Sun reporters after texting them asking inviting them to join him for "some fun".

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How embarrassing for his poor wife; all he could say was 'I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me', I bet you do love. Whats wrong with staying home & making love to your wife, the lady you stood in church with & said your vows too - i'm sure it reads to have & to hold not to go dogging in the cold!

Everyone featured in this program wore animal masks (only covering their eyes & not changing
their voices so you may see them down the local or even know them) which made me think was it all a joke or was this actually a serious documentary. When asked why he did went dogging one of the first guys interviewed claimed he was looking for the furry triangle - if that's anything like the Bermuda triangle you will be looking for some time! He was a truck driver with no family, wife or girlfriend & just literally wanted no strings attached sex, which quite frankly I'm sure he could of got anywhere not just from one of these places. Still sat in the drivers seat of his truck, hand on his crouch with a fox mask on I couldn't take him serious....
The documentary went on to follow a married couple who visit these sights all the time. This guy allows his wife to have sex with as many men as she wants & we even saw them stood around watching forming an orderly queue as if they were waiting in line at Tesco! While her husband watches she literally has sex with heaps of men one after the other. When I said out loud in disgust 'That is just nasty she doesn't even wash between men, she can't as they are in the woods' my other half casually said 'Yep that guy is stirring another mans gravy' YUK!! The man behind the camera asked why they did it; she said she had self esteem issues & it made her feel better while the husband said it makes her happy so he is all for it. They were asked aren't they worried if someone does something they don't like but the husband assured us that there are rules which he sets out to the queue of men first - they are his rules!!

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These women are the lowest of the low, I mean at least a prostitute gets paid for her services, these girls are just giving themselves away. They clearly have no respect for their bodies, not to mention the safety aspect of it; How do they know that one of these men is not a complete psycho or a serial killer & isn't just gonna flip out or pull a weapon out (other than their cock). There appears to be no thought given to protection, apart from the guy filmed taking his condom off & throwing it on the floor.
I Googled Dogging after watching the program (out of curiosity) only to find site after site filled with maps, lists of places to meet & even times. It is surprising just how many are on your own door step - woodland area's, parks & even picnic area's. Who wants to take their family out on a lovely sunny day & put their sandwiches down where someone has had their arse cheeks the night before - disgusting! Why do they need to tarnish the few places we have that we can take our family, our children with this filth??

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After all this digging around I don't agree with it & certainly don't understand it, watch some porn if
you want to see someone else having sex (its not rocket science & your less likely to get in hot water if you are caught) don't go sliding your bum cheeks where people go to tuck into their sarnys!        

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A case of the ex

Question; When a relationship ends, can you (or should you) stay friends?

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There appears to be an equal divide on this one & believe it or not men are not the ones saying yes you can, most of them are with me on this saying its a no go. Let's face it, if they are an Ex its for a reason. You've split, no longer together, surplus to requirements - which ever way you look at it, it all adds up to the same thing; it's over! Some may think that sounds harsh, especially if it's been an amicable split agreed by both parties. You may even still love each other but just not be IN love with each other, grown apart & see the other more in a friend way or like a brother/sister (hypothetical not in an incest way!!). Even if that were the case, great there is no shouting, cutting up of garments or holes in walls but what about when one of you meet someone new, what then?
You have to imagine what it is like for that person coming into a relationship when the Ex is still hanging around - awkward springs to my mind. I mean what are they gonna do exchange notes on how many times a week you done it....

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For example Simon Cowell says he stays friends with all his Ex's, is regularly seen out with them (sometimes more than one at a time!) & has even taken some of them on holiday! Maybe it's the money & fame that keep them coming back who knows, all I know is that it gets to a point where they look desperate (not to mention names - Sinitta). Simon has even gone on outings with a currant girlfriend & Ex's at the same time! Now these Ex's maybe fame hungry but jeez what are these women thinking, eating out with someone that their boyfriend has literally eaten out....
The men are as much to blame, how dare they put their girlfriends in that position in the first place.
What makes them think you want to sit opposite their cast off's, she didn't make the cut otherwise you'd still be together, so as Micheal Jackson sung "Beat it!!".

I find staying friends with an old flame puzzling enough but when that person has treated you badly; be it cheated, shown violence, broken your heart - why would you want to talk to them never mind see them again? Obviously you loved them & emotions don't just get turned off like a switch (which is a shame) but dam they hurt you & therefore are not worth any of your time, effort or anything else for that matter. Take Kat & Alfie in Eastenders, now before you start I know it's
not real, but some people ARE like that in real life. She not only cheated on him numerous times & he forgave her when he found out, she had a child with his cousin & he STILL took her back! He loved her so much that he was prepared to try & see past what she had done & all the damage she had caused, but clearly that was never gonna work. However when they did finally split he still loaned her money, helped her get a job & wanted to treat the child like his own. To me that's just making a bad situation worse & you need to cut as many ties as possible.
Having children involved does change things, I totally get that & contact is going to have to happen, but you exchange pleasantries for the sake of keeping the piece for the child & then send them on their way. You don't laugh, joke & carry on like nothings happened - that's just crazy. Imagine how awkward it would be for your new partner if your Ex came round, laughing & joking with you like you were bestie's. I would be thinking "Er why do you wanna do that after what they did to you?".

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Maybe it's me, maybe I hold grudges, who knows. All I do know is that if someone is an Ex, especially if they have hurt me then they are in the past. An Ex is an Ex for a reason - good, bad or ugly they are behind you & you should always look forward. If you keep looking backwards your more likely to trip up & never completely move onto bigger & better things :)

Case of the Ex - great song from back in the day

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M&M's - melt in the mouth, not in the hand....

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From as far back as I can remember everyone loves M&M's, however if what I read in the paper is true then this is not the case; after all if it's in the Sun newspaper then it MUST be true, right?
With everything that is going on in the world that is actual & factual news, the sun has taken the time to write a full article on some bird who has (supposedly) got 40MMM size boobs suffocating her man, oh no sorry her ex man....

Now before you start harping on that I am jealous, I'm not, I have more than enough to contend with carrying 34K's around & it most definitely has nothing to do with her looks (sorry love but I had to say it).

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I would make a great detective, believe it or not & this article is full of flaws. For example she states she suffocated her ex boyfriend during sex three years ago, yet in the next paragraph it says she is a mother of three children - the youngest being three. Now you don't have to be great at maths to work out that she would either have to had to have been nine months pregnant or have just given birth - to another mans child! (Her ex before him, who is her husband & father of all three kids, confused much - keep up). There are a lots of things going on in your mind when you are about to have a baby or just become a mother & smothering your boobs in someones face to the point they can't breath certainly isn't one of them.
So to summarize; she separated from her husband for a while (length not disclosed), got with
someone else who she had freaky sex with while she was pregnant or just given birth to the husbands baby & now her & the husband are back together after she nearly killed the other guy. After all of this her husband is more than happy to have this plastered all over one of the biggest tabloids, as well as having their children posing in a photo with them - I can hear one thing loud & clear; pound signs flashing in their eyes. Her poor children, this will haunt them.... 

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Then you have the part where she brags that she has done photo shoots & been paid £150 a pop for these, only to go on & moan about the price of bra's & that she has to get them made. As you read on it says they cost her £200 each - well if you get paid £150 a shoot then you have 2 cups & one strap paid for right there.
If that weren't enough she talks about when she was younger & how hard it was to have massive breasts while being a dress size 6; what on earth happened there, unless she meant shoe size 6?? If they caused that much inconvenience or discomfort you would get a boob reduction right - wrong, she can't have one as she needs to lose eight stone!! All the reasons (I call them excuses) she gives are later quashed by a doctor at the end of the article, which also leads me to roll my eyes & just think she done it all for a pay cheque.

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Now this is not me being mean, its me being honest about someone who doesn't appear to have a job & is cashing in on something that is nothing more than a part of everyday life for some of us (The average breast size in the UK is now 34DD & lets face it, they are no fried eggs). Having big boobs certainly isn't breaking news & should be kept where it belongs, featured on page three.
If anything then the chocolate company that make M&M sweets should contact her to appoint her their ambassador - after all their famous slogan is "They melt in your mouth, not in your hand".

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Say my name....

Gone are the days when people use terms correctly & do as the saying goes "call a spade a spade", things are given names (that probably took forever to think of in the first place) just for someone(s) to come along & re-name it.
This is no different when it comes to sex & relationships; I'm sure at some point you have heard a phrase & thought "Eh....??" Well I have chosen to share but a few to try & clear up the confusion. Granted this is by no means all of them, as people make them up as they go along (& I welcome any others that aren't mentioned). SO here goes (never know you might even learn something new):-

Blow Job (thought i'd start with a common one) = Basically this is when a man has his penis sucked, so why its not called a suck job I will never know. Also known as oral sex, BJ, giving head,  pole assault, lick the lolly pop (as 50 cent says) & giving a shiner.
On occasion it can be referred to as Deep throat but that's only if it tickles the tonsils. You may have heard the term "Tea bagging" this is nothing to do with the penis, its when a man lowers his balls into someones mouth & has them sucked. He bobs them up & down, in & out of the mouth in the same action as you would dip a tea bag into hot water to make a brew - hence the name :o)

Licking a girl out (it is what it says on the tin!) = The clue is in the title, someone licking a girls vagina. Also goes by the name of eating the furry burger, drinking from the furry cup (even though no sipping is involved), eating out (my personal fav), going down & muff diving (no snorkel needed).

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Having sex = Two people having sexual intercourse. Alternatively having a shag, a fuck, making love, having a poke, a bone (I would say no dogs involved but I suppose that's a personal opinion depending on appearance), a rodgering, a screw, hump, a bit of nookie, banging it out, bump & grind (R Kelly doesn't see anything wrong with that), a bonk, hide the salami, hanky panky - the possibilities are endless with this one....

Anal sex = When you have intercourse in the bum! You may have heard knocking the back doors
in, hitting the dirt track when the red river is flowing, tap that arse, chocolate log, a poke in the brown eye, butt fuck or just good old & to the point: Take it up the arse!!

Rimming = When you have your bottom hole licked, could be also known as licking the chocolate star fish.

Tit wank = When a man slides his penis between a woman's breast - plain & simple.

Fingering = When you have fingers inserted into holes, be it front or back!

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Fisting = When someone (not 100% sure if they are human) manages to get a whole fist into one of their holes, again front or back! I imagine you are thinking how on earth does this happen, I can only imagine with a LOT of lube & pain killers....

Wank = When a man pleasures himself. Could be referred to masturbation  as spanking the monkey (another animal reference ), tugging the salami, Tommy Tank (good old cockney slang), seeing Palm & her 5 sisters, crack one off, toss, jerk off, hand job, manual handling & bashing the bishop (forgive me for adding religion in the mix).
However when it comes to women playing with themselves they have their own terms - flicking the bean (broad, baked, runner you decide), muffin buffin & polishing the pearl.

Its not just sexual terms that have been named & re-named over & over, its our sexual private parts to:-

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Penis = Dick, cock (roosters are known for getting up in the morning), sausage, willy, meat & two veg (balls included), tally whacker, love stick, trouser snake, pecker, wiener, dinky (no relation to the telly tubbies), schlong & pork sword (I kid you not) to name a few.
Vagina = Fanny, clit, cunt, flaps, bottom lips, flange, fanjita, minge, love tunnel & pussy (what is it with animal names jezzz).
Boobs = Tits, baps, bazoockers, melons, babilons, knockers, lady lumps, breasts & racks.

I am under no illusion that this is barely touching the tip of names but its always good to start
somewhere. So ladies if your man says to you "Let me tea bag you with my meat & two veg" this has no relevance to winning & dinning & if your girlfriend ever says to you "Get ready to go muff diving before I jerk you off" this has nothing to do with a caribbean food or a holiday :o)